yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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