Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize