Your mouth is God's brothel.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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