I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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