How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
