True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize