He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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