Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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