What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
