I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
