Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
