He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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