What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
