i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
