Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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