Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
