Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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