before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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