Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Did you just see the Batmobile???
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
