Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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