My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
