Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
