T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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