From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
there is glitter all over my balls
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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