I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
