I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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