I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
