My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
