Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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