I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
