I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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