his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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