You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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