I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
