So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
