so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
