i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Girls should come with a carfax report
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
