So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
