I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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