that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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