I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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