life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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