Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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