Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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