Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize