I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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