i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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