capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
