My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
