Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
