once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
