I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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