he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
