You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
