I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
