I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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