Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is Oprah even human
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
