I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
