Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize