Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Randomize
