I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
