Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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