thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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