Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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