I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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